COVID-19 has managed to single handedly debunk the idea that street harassment happens to women who are "asking for it." Rape culture perpetuates the lie that women are harassed based on their appearance. But "catcalling with almost her entire face covered by cloth or surgical material proves exactly how stupid this myth really is."
Miss Representation
- Danielle Campoamor
Now that I have endured harassment twice in the past few months, in my own neighborhood, the truth in this statement is irrefutable. In both incidents, my kindness was met with lewd, inappropriate and uninvited verbal advances. Both times, you couldn't even see my face.
The first time, was a month or so ago. I was walking my laundry up to my unit when a man on the opposite side of the gated community said, “Come here and give me some of that pu**y.”
Mortified, I kept walking, fearing he would attempt to attack me as he walked onto the property. He didn’t, but instead offered a halfhearted apology to which I had absolutely nothing to say and walked away. When I was safe inside my home, I cried – I’m not even certain if it was out of fear or relief…maybe both.
The second time happened just a few weeks ago. I was out for a walk in my neighborhood, on the phone with a friend. As I crossed the street, I saw a young man leaving his driveway, appearing to be out for a walk. I stepped onto the sidewalk and heard, “Excuse me.”
I stopped and removed one of my ear buds. He introduced himself and extended his hand, which I lightly shook, probably a mistake considering COVID-19, though I didn’t see him as any sort of threat. He was wearing a t-shirt with a high school name on it. I asked if that is where he attended as I actually expected that he might ask me to donate to a school program. He said he had graduated and was now in college. I said that’s great and asked what he was studying as my friend who was on the phone is a professor at a university. He responded with his major and then said he thought I was beautiful and asked if I would be interested in getting to know him. I thanked him for the compliment and told him I wasn’t interested but that I wished him well. We parted ways and I continued my walk and conversation.
Not more than half a block later I hear someone jogging behind me. Still on the phone with my friend I stopped walking to allow the runner to run by, the same young man stopped and again asked if we could get to know one another. I again, repeated no, told him I wasn’t interested but to keep his confidence up, and the right lady will come along. Instead of gracefully bowing out he then says, “Can you suck my penis?”
I was immediately taken aback but I responded calmly with, “That is incredibly rude and absolutely not, please do not approach me again.”
He then asked, “Oh is that rude?” At that point I proceeded to walk away saying good-bye. He turned and walked in the opposite direction and when he was finally out of sight, I made my way home.
I am thankful that I was not physically assaulted or worse, but verbal advances happen to women every day and it is needs to be called out every time it happens. I continued the phone conversation with my friend who pointed out two things:
He likely doesn’t even know how violated he made me feel. How my very core and peace of mind was rattled.
That this was a learned behavior. That he learned it from someone somewhere. Perhaps at home, social circles, or through various mediums.
She is likely correct that he doesn’t realize that I now feel unsafe in my own neighborhood to the point that I am no longer interested in going for a walk in my area despite the fact that I do carry items to defend myself and was prepared to use them if needed. As I pondered her second point, it angered me. This taught behavior needs to change.
Early on in the #MeToo movement, these stories abounded. While the movement is ongoing, it appears to have taken a backseat. We have a responsibility as women to keep sharing our stories in an effort to address male toxicity and the rhetoric that comes with terrorizing women. This isn’t just about me. These attacks on women are global.
While we may never see a day when they cease to exist, we can at least be pro-active in other ways to minimize the occurrences. How do we do that? We speak up because this behavior should not be normalized. We should never chalk it up to, “boys will be boys,” or “this has been happening since the beginning of time.” This is the bullshit that excuses the behavior.
So, what else do we do besides share and speak up? To start:
Encourage mothers and fathers to teach their boys that when a girl/woman says no, she means no under every circumstance. Take her at her word and leave her the hell alone. Teach young women as early as three that it is alright to say “no” when someone comes into their space – give them that voice early on and don’t stifle it.
Make this topic a priority in health or sex education courses for both young men and women. Teach young women what to say or do if they ever find themselves in these situations.
Hold men and boys accountable for their actions. In too many assault and rape cases, our judiciary struggles, particularly when the perpetrator is well to do and thus goes unpunished.
Hold both men and women accountable when you hear, “well maybe she shouldn’t have worn that skirt.” Or, what I heard in my case: “maybe you shouldn’t have extended your hand” because he may have seen that as an “invitation.” STOP VICTIM SHAMING! It isn’t their fault and further excuses or normalizes the behavior.
Like many, I was raised to be kind and polite to people but life has taught me to be suspicious as well. However, that said, while remaining cautious, I also don’t think it’s fair to come off to strangers as a complete jerk unless they give you a reason to be one. Further, to the men who try to make light of the situation, this isn’t a joke and makes women even more uncomfortable. Instead, be an ally and educate other men.
We have to collectively do better. My recent experiences were violating and completely unnecessary. To the good men out there, because I do believe there are some out there, many of your gender cannot be trusted and many women can’t trust that you won’t verbally or physically attack them. The next time you approach a woman, I hope you might consider these violations when she doesn’t extend a kindness. She may not intend to be rude; she may just be skeptical about your intentions. My own experiences have certainly increased my skepticism of any man who might approach me.
Ladies, please always be aware of your surroundings. If it can be avoided, walk with one earbud or none at all. Carry mace or a blade, a bat…anything that makes you feel safe and always tell someone where you are as I am truly thankful that I was on the phone with a dear friend. We have to continue to speak up and out in an effort to minimize this behavior in our society. I know I am not alone, so let’s continue to work together to be heard. Let’s heal ourselves and our communities. Be safe.